Finding Trans On Tinder

Sex & Relationships

Dec 04, 2015 Many transgender individuals face the possibility of being banned on Tinder for nothing other than being trans. The app is struggling to combat the transphobic actions of some users. Transgender individuals are reported by individuals who do not understand that a they have the right to be on Tinder just as much as a cisgender individual. “Dating for trans people is generally safer via an app like Tinder,” Ms. “I find it much safer to make connections online versus having a stranger approach me in a cafe or bar.

Janelle Villapando has been swiping left and right for years and in that time, she's noticed a few patterns among the men she meets

As a transgender woman, my relationship with online dating is complicated to say the least.

With my accounts on OkCupid, Tinder, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel and ChristianMingle, I am subjected to the same kind of messages from Mr. Washboard-Abs-No-Face and unsolicited dick pics that most women, unfortunately, receive. But searching for Mr. Right as a transgender woman (I was born male, but identify and present as female) adds a whole new dimension to digital dating.

Since transitioning in 2014, I haven’t reacted positively to guys who hit on me in person because I haven’t mastered the art of telling them that we have “the same parts.” For the past three years, Tinder has been my gateway into online dating as a transgender woman.

As a 22-year-old grad starting a career in fashion (and hopefully, one day, my own size-inclusive clothing line), I am drawn to guys who are funny and ambitious. There’s no bigger turn-off than someone who does the bare minimum—except maybe body odour. In terms of looks, I prefer taller guys. Being 5’9″, I still like to be able to look up to my man, literally. So, whenever I see 6’2″ or taller on a guy’s profile, it’s almost an automatic right swipe.

(Photo courtesy of Janelle Villapando)

As a trans woman on dating apps, I’ve always made sure that guys are aware that I am transgender. This avoids wasting each other’s time. There have also been many documented cases of trans women being hurt and sometimes even killed when they disclose their status to transphobic men that found them attractive, so being completely transparent is also a way of protecting myself from potentially dangerous situations.

As I click, message and swipe through the world of online dating, I’ve quickly learned that there are at least three different types of guys: those who fetishize trans women, those who are curious but cautious, and those who simply don’t read. Unfortunately, these labels don’t appear on their profiles.

The guy who sees me as a fetish

I usually get very forward messages from guys who just want me for my body. They view me as exotic, a kink, something new to try.

These guys want to chill somewhere less public or exclusively at their place so they won’t be seen with me. I have actually “dated” (if you can even call it that) some of these men, including one guy who checked his apartment’s hallway to make sure his neighbours wouldn’t see me leave his place. Another guy made sure even his social media presence wasn’t linked to mine. He lied about not having an Instagram account, then when I “came across it” and liked one of his pictures in spite, he blocked me.

With these kind of guys, I’ve felt like I was their dirty little secret, and at first, I thought this type of interaction was the closest thing to a relationship I was going to have as a trans woman. But I finally reached my limit when one of my dates bumped into someone he knew when we were together. Despite the fact that we were on our third date, he didn’t even acknowledge my existence as I stood there a couple feet from him while he talked to his friend. His silence told me exactly how much I meant to him. After realizing that I deserved so much better and was wasting my time with these guys, I stopped giving them attention.

The guy who can’t handle that I am trans

After one too many encounters with men who were fetishizing me, I started to spend time on guys who actually wanted to get to know me. These are men who find me attractive, but are initially hesitant because of my trans-ness. With these men, I went on dates in public at the movies, or a chill restaurant, and I was viewed as more than a new sexual experience—but I don’t think I was seen as potential relationship material either. One guy in particular seemed to really like me. We vibed well and there was sexual tension building during our dates. Then poof, he was gone. After a month, he reached out to me saying he couldn’t be with me because I am transgender. He was concerned about how his sexuality would “change.”

I had another similar experience on a first date where a man greeted me, hugged me, then said he left something in his car. After a couple of minutes, I got a text from him while waiting alone at our table that said he had to leave because my transgender status was giving him anxiety. After that, I stopped chasing guys who were too concerned about their feelings to even think about mine. Red flags like continually postponing dates and constantly asking, “When are you getting the surgery?” helped me whittle down the number of guys I talked to by half.

The guy who ignores the (not-so) fine print

Thanks to Tinder, profile pictures say more than a thousand words—and actual words seem to be irrelevant on our profiles. While most people only consider the profile pic before swiping right or left, for me, the text on my profile is crucial. Even since Tinder introduced more genders to choose from than just the binary male and female, it doesn’t show your gender on the swiping screen. I get plenty of matches on Tinder, but within 24 hours around half of them un-match or block me after reading my profile. Whenever I do start talking to guys who “stick around,” I make sure that they know I am transgender before meeting them.

(Screenshot courtesy of Janelle Villapando)

However, I recently went on a date with a guy who was tall, handsome, funny and had his shit (relatively) together. We met in the late afternoon and enjoyed our frozen yogurt in perfect patio weather. It was going really well! At the end of the date, our first kiss quickly turned into a handsy makeout session in the backseat of my car. Before it went further, I did my routine check of asking, “You know I’m transgender right?” expecting he was going to say yes and carry on. Instead, he looked at me with a blank face.

He started yelling that I never told him. I responded saying it was all over my OkCupid profile, which it turns out he never read. He said, “I’m bouncing; that’s f-cked up,” and jumped out of the car, spat on the ground, slammed the car door and walked away. I sat in the back seat of my car in complete shock.

In that moment, I was mostly concerned about my safety. I stayed in my back seat for probably five minutes to make sure he was gone. When I got back into the front seat to drive home, I still felt uneasy. What if he’s still around? What if he’s going to try to hurt me?

I touched up my makeup, reapplied my lipstick and put the car in drive. Once I got out of the area I started processing what had happened. I knew that it was all going too well for him to even be interested in me. Until that awkward moment, I thought, “Is this how easy dating could be if I were a cisgender woman?” I had gone from the girl that my date was kissing to someone he found disgusting all because of a single word: transgender.

Relationship status: single, but cautious

Not all guys I’ve talked to fall into these three categories. I’ve gone on dates with guys who seem to be genuinely into me and are accepting of my trans identity, but there’s no magical combination of spark, chemistry and attraction.

I seem to only be attracted to guys who are no good for me—and I know that I’m not the only woman, trans or not, who feels that way. Since that incident with the guy in my car, I’ve slowed down my activity on dating apps. I thought about deleting all my dating apps, but it’s still my main way of meeting guys. Plus, what if the perfect guy slides into my DM, right? I haven’t lost hope, and my friends continue to encourage me. If I had a dime for every time someone said that I’ll find love when I least expect it, I’d be driving a hot pink Bugatti right now (all white interior, please). If that’s truly the case, I hope he’s 6’4″ and messages me with a cheesy pick-up line.

This article was originally published on August 16, 2017.

Related:

The First Time I Had Sex in My Correct Gender
What It’s Really Like to Be Young and Transgender in Canada
Yes, Men Get Paid More than Women…But What About Trans Women?

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Lumina

You can find true love anywhere. 'But can you find true love on Tinder?' you ask. Yes, as long as both of you are open to what happens in a relationship, there's no reason a regular hookup couldn't turn into everlasting love. Why wouldn't it?

Even though you can find true love on Tinder, there are a lot of ways in which Tinder can be an obstacle for a relationship to grow. The first, of course, is that a lot of dating apps encourage you to keep your options open. The swiping makes it easy to move on quickly, from one person to the next. Plus, looking at so many pictures encourages you to make superficial judgments based on how much a person knows their own angles.

If you can fight the Tinder forces and resist hooking up for the sake of a fun and easy fling, then there's no reason you couldn't find true love on Tinder. You might just want to make sure you aren't doing these five things that will keep you from finding the modern romance you are looking for:

1. Neglecting Your Bio

Personally, I am not looking for love on Tinder — just fun — but I still get creeped out when I swipe right on someone, only to find out that they have not filled in any information on themselves. That leaves me with very limited information to strike up a meaningful conversation. 'So, you are 27 years old, and you live two miles away from me? What's that like?'

Nine times out of 10, these enigmas are dudes who were presumably too lazy to write anything about themselves. They also are usually only looking for sex, which is totally fine — except that I would never, ever meet up with someone who seems like they have something to hide.

So what is good to put in your bio? For me, I always pay extra attention to people who list their Zodiac signs, as it already means we have a common interest. I've had trouble connecting with other queer femmes on Tinder, so I listed that I give free tarot readings to queers in my bio. Proposing a shared activity definitely helps.

Whatever you do decide to write, try not to keep it negative. I've been tempted to say, 'No ghosting,' but it gives off the vibe that I am wounded or that I get hung up on folks. That isn't actually the case, and it's not an image I want to project. Plus, if I think someone might ghost me, I can always ghost them first.

2. Starting Out With The Same One-Liner For Everyone

You never know whether someone is going to actually message you back on Tinder, but I have found that I get more responses when I start out by saying something really specific about somebody's profile or paying them a compliment from a specific photograph.

One girl described herself as 'Bette Porter in the streets, Bette Porter in the sheets.' It's been years since I've watched The L Word, and I ended up reading Bette Porter's entire backstory to find something to message this girl about. (I ended up telling her about all my Wikipedia time. It was cute.)

Tinder

R/Tinder - If You Come Across A Transgender Person On Dating ...

Personally, I can always tell when someone sends me the same opener they send everyone. 'You look too interesting to be on Tinder. Who dumped who?' was the worst one-liner I ever got. It came off as elitist (no one is too interesting for Tinder!) and also made me think about my breakup that happened over a year ago.

And by the way, unless you are actually Aziz Ansari, nobody needs sh*t from Whole Foods.

3. Humoring People Who Have No Manners

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I've personally only ever had this experience with cis men. A guy will match with me on Tinder, and he will say something — usually within the first few lines of our conversation — that rubs me the wrong way.

The Do's And Don'ts Of Matching With Trans People On Tinder ...

Sometimes, he makes a statement that makes me feel... funny. 'I'm sure he didn't mean it that way,' I'll tell myself. But eventually, my funny feeling becomes confirmed when he makes an obviously racist or sexist or homophobic joke. When that happens, I usually tell him off and unmatch as quickly as possible.

On a more troubling level, I've had multiple cis men ask me if I am trans. I'm not trans, but I do have great makeup skills and an affection for wearing wigs. Although trans people are basically divine beings to me, I always get a horrible feeling when I get asked this question. I can sense the dude's transphobia. He's basically asking me about my genitals within the first few lines of messaging.

On a more general level, you're not going to find love on Tinder by compromising your standards. If someone strikes you as rude within the first few messages they send you, or if they make you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to continue on with the conversation. Be more discerning, and you'll improve your chance at finding love.

4. Only Swiping Right On People You Are Extremely Attracted To

Look, I get it. I've spent a lot of time agonizing over whether or not I am attracted to someone's photograph on Tinder, and have probably made snap judgments that prevented me from talking to someone interesting.

When I think about the people I have fallen for in real life, the majority of them were not exactly photogenic. In fact, my most significant relationship was with someone I had spent years knowing and never being physically attracted to, until we had developed a strong emotional connection. It's unfortunate that dating apps encourage judging folks based on their looks.

But there are plenty of people out there whom you may not be instantly attracted to, but are still worth a shot. Plus, the worse case scenario is that you meet up and you're still not attracted to them. That's fine! You can still be friends if you strike up a great conversation. And really, when you think about it, all of us are just trapped in flesh prisons we call bodies. I still believe that initial physical attraction has very little to do with whether or not you are made to find lasting love with one another.

5. Not Saying Something First

If you want to find love on Tinder, then for every person you match with, commit to saying something to start the conversation.

If this sounds like a daunting ploy, then that's great! It means you will be more discerning with whom you swipe right on. Even though you might get fewer matches, you will probably end up meeting more people whom you have a genuine connection with. Those dates might be fewer and farther between, but if you are serious about finding love, then you probably want to get off the casual hookup train anyway.

Or do you?

Finding Trans On Tinder

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